Blunder of Blunder, Miracle of Miracles: Discovery of the "lacto- brain"

For any of you that are familiar with "The Fiddler on the Roof" you probably recognised the title as another one of my famous "misquotes." For those of you who don't know, the actual song words are "wonder of wonder, miracles of miracles" it's a song that I admit is the fast forward song in Fiddler on the Roof (much like "Climb Every Mountain" on Sound of Music) But I assure you I changed the words for a reason. I have been humming it for the last few days to get myself through life's blunders and to see what a miracle it is to be alive. And a miracle that my children are still alive...Sit back in your chairs and enjoy story that will make you feel like an amazing parent haha.

You know those shopping cart escalators that run parallel to the escalators? Have you ever noticed that there's a sign right before you push your cart on to it? Although I've seen it numerous times, I've still managed to send Ezzy in it... Twice. And both times I notice the sign that clearly shows a picture of a baby in a cart with an X through it JUST as the cart locks into the escalator. Now I have panicked before, but the panic I feel as a mother when I am completely and helplessly seeing my child in danger is pretty intense. Luckily, Esmond just sat there without moving a muscle and looked as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. While I am SO extremely embarrassed that this has happened (x2) as I was experiencing all these feelings, I noticed two kinds of people. The first time I was alone and as I made guilty eye contact with others on the escalator I've gotten the dirtiest of looks and people shaking there heads at me. No looks of sympathy, or a "we've all been there, we understand what you're going through" kind of look. Just disgust on my ability as a mother. Jules was 3 weeks old, and it was then that I felt like I shouldn't have left the house so soon on my own. Luckily there was someone who worked there that was very sympathetic and assured me I wasn't the first one to do it. That made a world of a difference to me. The second time I was way too embarrassed to make eye contact with any one. Once was bad enough.

After those experiences I've realised that 4 or 5 years ago I may have had the same attitude as those observing me, although I probably would've laughed at the situation and not so much given the stink eye. But the effect would've been the same. I now can empathise with the exhausted, absentminded mothers who go through the list of their children's names, including the dog's before they get the right name. The mother's who draw a blank mid sentence and forget what they were trying to say, or walk into a room and forget what they needed. As a child I remember laughing at my mother as she called me "Meli-El-Je-Rebekah" and giggle as I'd see her walk in and out of a room two or 3 times  to try and jog her memory. I found it so funny at  the time and now I look back with empathy. My angel mother (my Father as well) always taught me to give others the benefit of the doubt and not judge and it's unfortunately not until I've felt the same loss of control that I've been able to really appreciate that counsel.

I recently had my last midwife appointment and I was lamenting to my midwife that I had lost my brain. I've always prided myself on being able to express myself, and since Julia was born, I've found that somehow my brain had turned to mush. I raise my hand to give a great comment in church and find myself struggling to find the words. I tell a funny story and I sound like Marlin the clownfish ( there was this sea mollusk...). My midwife then introduced me to the concept of "lacto-brain." It seems as though growing a baby, stretch marks and all the fun stuff that that entails, and then the delivery of this adorable little being and the feeling of being split in two isn't the only thing to look forward to. She said nursing mothers often experience what I am going through. Of all the things we have to let go of (our bodily image and control of it, etc.) WHY do we have to lose our brains as well?? Then it dawned on me. We may only have one child if we remembered it all with perfect detail. It isn't until we feel the first contraction the second baby that we truly realise what we have gotten ourselves into..... and we know what we have to do to get that baby out.

Classic toddler shot of Ezzy :)

Now I can see that lacto-brain is necessary, and we don't forget everything. Jules will be 8 weeks old tomorrow and I'm already hazy on the birth details. I remember the joy I felt as we found out she was a girl. Her first cries as she breathed her first gulps of air. The emotion we felt as we decided to name her after my Abuela (Grandmother). The smiles and excitement of Esmond as he met her for the first time as he said "baby" over and over again as he stroked her head. The soft gulps of satisfaction as she nurses and how she sighs when she sleeps (although she's noisy, it's adorable). Ezzy is becoming such a little cutie. He will copy everything I say and has the most adorable voice. When I'm frustrated with him, he looks up at me with a little twinkle in his eye and a goofy smile and I almost always have to choke back a giggle. These are the moments I hope to never forget. Although I find it frustrating to try and remember day to day things, it's the sweet, life changing moments that make everything worthwhile. So I guess, I can say to everyone of you, that I love you and "you've got a friend in me." No judgements here. Let's just love one another for the goodness in our hearts and not the blunders in life that we miraculously get through.

Love Bex

The undoing of a "Know it all" Mom

 It's been an interesting experience having a newborn in the house again. In some ways I feel like it wasn't that long ago that Esmond was this tiny, but in other ways it feels like an age away. One thing I have learnt for sure is that I'm really not as awesome a parent as I thought I was. Now I don't mean that in an entirely negative way, I guess what I mean is that I definitely don't know "it all". Let me explain...

 

Esmond was a very hungry, active, soft crier and he did not like being on his back for longer than 5 or 10 minutes. His Moro reflex or I often called it his Gollum reflex ( the way he'd flail and shake his arms and shriek would look just like when Gollum is getting tortured in Isengard and screams, "Baggins. Shire") would go off 30 or so times a day. He would be happily laying there and without any sounds or bumps his reflex would go off and he'd be screaming. Now, this screaming all day would probably get super exhausting to listen to if he didn't sound like a kitten mewing when he cried. It was most of the time so pathetic a cry that I almost giggled at the cuteness of it. ( Side note: I just had to take a break to rescue the Salad dressing from Esmond. He was drinking it straight from the bottle and saying "Num nummy!".... Yikes!) Of course it was still hard to listen to as a new momma so I naturally couldn't put him down for any significant amount of time. I ended up carrying or nursing him all day his first three-ish months of life. I remember days of Steven leaving for school and I'd be sitting on the couch and he'd come home and I was in the same state. Pure exhaustion from Ezzy nursing at least every hour and yet, pretty content to be free to stare at him and cuddle him. I was in love! I couldn't understand how some one could let their baby cry and not pick them up right away. Or how they would get stressed out with any of X, Y, Z situations. I thought I really knew what I was doing. I'd read books, and obsessed over pregnancy, delivery and newborns for nine months and I was a pro!
Then he started to get mobile, crawling and putting everything he could get his hands on in his mouth. This included little bits on the floor, in cracks, be it food or otherwise. And if he couldn't pick it up with his pincher fingers, no problem! He'd bend down his head and lick it off the floor. I'd like to say that I started cleaning my floor at least twice a day, but I didn't. I found myself missing the newborn stage where I could just cart him with me and he wouldn't get into stuff. By the time he was 6 months old I found myself wanting to get pregnant again. It's amazing how quickly we forget the pain of child birth! He was getting "so big/old too fast" I found myself thinking a lot. I realise in hindsight that I was saying that when he was only weeks old and I should have just enjoyed every minute of it! I didn't end up getting pregnant until Ezzy was a year old and then I was able to obsess over my favourite things again.
Enter Julia.

While the labour was shorter than with Esmond, I felt like I still had the pain condensed into a stronger version of my first labour. I had to deliver in a different position with Jules, and found myself thinking she was at least 12 lbs, because I was feeling as if I was never going to get her out. It was only a matter of minutes, but I was surprised yet again at how painful it was (the first time I seriously felt lied to as I was prepared to do the breathing I had practiced and once I hit transition, no amount of breathing was helping me get through the pain and all the birth videos I watched on Youtube had these calm mothers delivering so peacefully - I later recalled that I had turned the sound down in almost all these videos hahaha). Julia came out as was content to just sleep and poop the first day or so. After 9 meconium diapers, she FINALLY started to nurse properly, but I still had to wake her up and get her to feed as much as possible. She has always given me a 4 hour stretch at night and has sometimes given me as much as 6 hours! Absolutely heavenly! Esmond would only give me a max of 3 his first 6 months of life! Now, she does NOT have a cry like the mewing of a kitten. She has the cry of a banshee and is very clear about when she doesn't like something. I have had to let her cry many times while changing a poopy diaper (Esmond has discovered that kicking his legs makes it near impossible to change him) or any number of reasons, but I try as much as I can to not let it be for long. As each child is so different, each pregnancy, delivery, and newborn stage is so very different. I find myself constantly changing my opinion on "how things are" or "how things should be done." Had I just had one or the other, I would easily get very opinionated and feel like I had all the answers for all the new moms out there. I find myself significantly less judgemental and critical and have come to realise that all of us are just doing our best with what resources we have. With Esmond's easygoing, gentle personality, I thought it was all due to me being such an amazing mom. Now he's started doing things like throwing things, spitting, picking my Mom's unripe tomatoes, and getting into as many things as he can. And I'm understanding each day that I can do my best, but every child also goes through learning phases and I'm just here to help them learn. I'm so grateful for being able to learn compassion and respect for all mothers out there. You're all wonderful, and I'm proud to stand with you as we raise the next generation of heroes!
We can do it!

Love Bex

Mommy adventures

While I've been nervous to have a blog, I feel like I would like to document my journeys of life in a way that is  easy to share. And if I am able to help any one in any way by my experiences, even if it's just for a laugh, that would be great. But if not... So be it. I'm already finding myself worried about putting my thoughts, experiences and dreams on a blog and also finding that I am being careful on how I word things. I think in order for this to be an effective experience all round, I need to be able to just let loose. So if you like what you read, by all means, say so, if not, I'd really rather you just move on in your search for intelligent or entertaining material. Those who know me well know that I have the talent (or curse) of being able to find a movie or song quote that perfectly describes life at almost any moment so you will probably hear about 50% quotes and 50% Rebekah's intelligence. I will try my best to reference where I can as that is half the fun of remembering and quoting ;)

So without further ado, here I'll begin. 

I was married to the love of my life, Steven, in September of 2011. We are coming up on 3 years of marriage this September with two darling little children. Esmond will be 2 in September and baby Julia (Jules) is 6 weeks old. It's been quite the experience learning how to keep track of two babies as opposed to one. I really admire every single mother/father/nanny/caretaker out there. Child rearing and minding is tough (yet rewarding) work! I just read recently that they use the term "child rearing" because we spend so much time cleaning their little bottoms. And I really have to agree there ;). People said that I would feel like Esmond was a giant when I had Julia, but he still felt like a little baby to me. THEN I changed his diaper after changing 20 or so of Julia's diapers (Steven took over the toddler department for a while!) and I really noticed the contrast! But it wasn't until then that I realised how old he had become and how tiny he started out. It has taken many trial and error experiences to be able to juggle the two babes day to day. Steven started an intense program with 6 courses in July and I have found myself doing things pretty well on my own since he has had so much homework, tests and assignments. But whenever he has free time, he has been so wonderful in helping out and he really is such a great husband and father! I could not do it without him.

Bathing, I tell you, is down to an art. I have some how managed to extend the amount of time I go without showering. Word of advice to those Moms expecting number 2 baby: If you bathe with your toddler quite easily, throwing a newborn in the mix is NOT a good idea. Now you may be laughing at me for thinking it might be, but I really thought I could do it. I had Ezzy all happy playing in the bath and I was trying to shower and Julia needed a little clean off too. She was really fussy, so I thought I'd just get us all cleaned at once and get it over with. It all worked out simply in my mind. I'd wash Ezzy and I off first and bring Jules in at the end. What ended up happening was me nursing her with one arm, washing my hair with the other and trying to stop Ezzy from pouring cups of water on Jules' head. I can't remember how long it took to get us all cleaned, but I that was a one time event for me. I have since mastered the bathing and don't attempt to get all 3 done at once. It really is NOT faster. 

I have found myself very frequently being in awe at the mothers who have more that two children. HOW do you do it?! But then I remember I thought the same when I first had Esmond. I guess you just get out of bed everyday and just do what you gotta do. It's amazed me what I've become capable of doing. Just the other day I needed to make dinner and Ezzy was playing that pleasant little game where he stands in between me and the counter and pushes as hard as he can. I was wearing Jules in the ring sling at the time so when he wasn't pushing on my legs, he was RIGHT in my blind spot and I was constantly tripping over him. I tried unsuccessfully to distract him and he did that other really fun thing where he goes stiff as a board when I tried to put him in his highchair. So I got out a carrier and strapped him to my back and he was happy as anything! I really wish I had thought of it sooner. So with Ezzy on my back and Julia on my front, I was able to finish dinner and get the table set. ( I know it's only 2 place settings, but still! haha) So moments like that, I think, yes! I can do this momma thing! No problem! I really love being a mother to these little angels.

I have to say, one thing that just warms my heart is hearing the softness of their breath as they sleep. It really is so peaceful :) But my favourite thing about having two babies instead of just one is how Ezzy wants to hold her all the time and when he does he talks to her, gets her to suck on his fingers and kisses her. In the car he tries to pat and shh her when she is crying and he loves to wake her up... So when friends and family ask me how I'm getting along with two kidlets, despite all my blunders as I figure out this new stage, I really love the hugs, kisses and cuddles I get as I learn all about these two precious beings.

Love Bex

PS- No movie quotes in this entry :)