The undoing of a "Know it all" Mom

 It's been an interesting experience having a newborn in the house again. In some ways I feel like it wasn't that long ago that Esmond was this tiny, but in other ways it feels like an age away. One thing I have learnt for sure is that I'm really not as awesome a parent as I thought I was. Now I don't mean that in an entirely negative way, I guess what I mean is that I definitely don't know "it all". Let me explain...

 

Esmond was a very hungry, active, soft crier and he did not like being on his back for longer than 5 or 10 minutes. His Moro reflex or I often called it his Gollum reflex ( the way he'd flail and shake his arms and shriek would look just like when Gollum is getting tortured in Isengard and screams, "Baggins. Shire") would go off 30 or so times a day. He would be happily laying there and without any sounds or bumps his reflex would go off and he'd be screaming. Now, this screaming all day would probably get super exhausting to listen to if he didn't sound like a kitten mewing when he cried. It was most of the time so pathetic a cry that I almost giggled at the cuteness of it. ( Side note: I just had to take a break to rescue the Salad dressing from Esmond. He was drinking it straight from the bottle and saying "Num nummy!".... Yikes!) Of course it was still hard to listen to as a new momma so I naturally couldn't put him down for any significant amount of time. I ended up carrying or nursing him all day his first three-ish months of life. I remember days of Steven leaving for school and I'd be sitting on the couch and he'd come home and I was in the same state. Pure exhaustion from Ezzy nursing at least every hour and yet, pretty content to be free to stare at him and cuddle him. I was in love! I couldn't understand how some one could let their baby cry and not pick them up right away. Or how they would get stressed out with any of X, Y, Z situations. I thought I really knew what I was doing. I'd read books, and obsessed over pregnancy, delivery and newborns for nine months and I was a pro!
Then he started to get mobile, crawling and putting everything he could get his hands on in his mouth. This included little bits on the floor, in cracks, be it food or otherwise. And if he couldn't pick it up with his pincher fingers, no problem! He'd bend down his head and lick it off the floor. I'd like to say that I started cleaning my floor at least twice a day, but I didn't. I found myself missing the newborn stage where I could just cart him with me and he wouldn't get into stuff. By the time he was 6 months old I found myself wanting to get pregnant again. It's amazing how quickly we forget the pain of child birth! He was getting "so big/old too fast" I found myself thinking a lot. I realise in hindsight that I was saying that when he was only weeks old and I should have just enjoyed every minute of it! I didn't end up getting pregnant until Ezzy was a year old and then I was able to obsess over my favourite things again.
Enter Julia.

While the labour was shorter than with Esmond, I felt like I still had the pain condensed into a stronger version of my first labour. I had to deliver in a different position with Jules, and found myself thinking she was at least 12 lbs, because I was feeling as if I was never going to get her out. It was only a matter of minutes, but I was surprised yet again at how painful it was (the first time I seriously felt lied to as I was prepared to do the breathing I had practiced and once I hit transition, no amount of breathing was helping me get through the pain and all the birth videos I watched on Youtube had these calm mothers delivering so peacefully - I later recalled that I had turned the sound down in almost all these videos hahaha). Julia came out as was content to just sleep and poop the first day or so. After 9 meconium diapers, she FINALLY started to nurse properly, but I still had to wake her up and get her to feed as much as possible. She has always given me a 4 hour stretch at night and has sometimes given me as much as 6 hours! Absolutely heavenly! Esmond would only give me a max of 3 his first 6 months of life! Now, she does NOT have a cry like the mewing of a kitten. She has the cry of a banshee and is very clear about when she doesn't like something. I have had to let her cry many times while changing a poopy diaper (Esmond has discovered that kicking his legs makes it near impossible to change him) or any number of reasons, but I try as much as I can to not let it be for long. As each child is so different, each pregnancy, delivery, and newborn stage is so very different. I find myself constantly changing my opinion on "how things are" or "how things should be done." Had I just had one or the other, I would easily get very opinionated and feel like I had all the answers for all the new moms out there. I find myself significantly less judgemental and critical and have come to realise that all of us are just doing our best with what resources we have. With Esmond's easygoing, gentle personality, I thought it was all due to me being such an amazing mom. Now he's started doing things like throwing things, spitting, picking my Mom's unripe tomatoes, and getting into as many things as he can. And I'm understanding each day that I can do my best, but every child also goes through learning phases and I'm just here to help them learn. I'm so grateful for being able to learn compassion and respect for all mothers out there. You're all wonderful, and I'm proud to stand with you as we raise the next generation of heroes!
We can do it!

Love Bex