Blunder of Blunder, Miracle of Miracles: Discovery of the "lacto- brain"

For any of you that are familiar with "The Fiddler on the Roof" you probably recognised the title as another one of my famous "misquotes." For those of you who don't know, the actual song words are "wonder of wonder, miracles of miracles" it's a song that I admit is the fast forward song in Fiddler on the Roof (much like "Climb Every Mountain" on Sound of Music) But I assure you I changed the words for a reason. I have been humming it for the last few days to get myself through life's blunders and to see what a miracle it is to be alive. And a miracle that my children are still alive...Sit back in your chairs and enjoy story that will make you feel like an amazing parent haha.

You know those shopping cart escalators that run parallel to the escalators? Have you ever noticed that there's a sign right before you push your cart on to it? Although I've seen it numerous times, I've still managed to send Ezzy in it... Twice. And both times I notice the sign that clearly shows a picture of a baby in a cart with an X through it JUST as the cart locks into the escalator. Now I have panicked before, but the panic I feel as a mother when I am completely and helplessly seeing my child in danger is pretty intense. Luckily, Esmond just sat there without moving a muscle and looked as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. While I am SO extremely embarrassed that this has happened (x2) as I was experiencing all these feelings, I noticed two kinds of people. The first time I was alone and as I made guilty eye contact with others on the escalator I've gotten the dirtiest of looks and people shaking there heads at me. No looks of sympathy, or a "we've all been there, we understand what you're going through" kind of look. Just disgust on my ability as a mother. Jules was 3 weeks old, and it was then that I felt like I shouldn't have left the house so soon on my own. Luckily there was someone who worked there that was very sympathetic and assured me I wasn't the first one to do it. That made a world of a difference to me. The second time I was way too embarrassed to make eye contact with any one. Once was bad enough.

After those experiences I've realised that 4 or 5 years ago I may have had the same attitude as those observing me, although I probably would've laughed at the situation and not so much given the stink eye. But the effect would've been the same. I now can empathise with the exhausted, absentminded mothers who go through the list of their children's names, including the dog's before they get the right name. The mother's who draw a blank mid sentence and forget what they were trying to say, or walk into a room and forget what they needed. As a child I remember laughing at my mother as she called me "Meli-El-Je-Rebekah" and giggle as I'd see her walk in and out of a room two or 3 times  to try and jog her memory. I found it so funny at  the time and now I look back with empathy. My angel mother (my Father as well) always taught me to give others the benefit of the doubt and not judge and it's unfortunately not until I've felt the same loss of control that I've been able to really appreciate that counsel.

I recently had my last midwife appointment and I was lamenting to my midwife that I had lost my brain. I've always prided myself on being able to express myself, and since Julia was born, I've found that somehow my brain had turned to mush. I raise my hand to give a great comment in church and find myself struggling to find the words. I tell a funny story and I sound like Marlin the clownfish ( there was this sea mollusk...). My midwife then introduced me to the concept of "lacto-brain." It seems as though growing a baby, stretch marks and all the fun stuff that that entails, and then the delivery of this adorable little being and the feeling of being split in two isn't the only thing to look forward to. She said nursing mothers often experience what I am going through. Of all the things we have to let go of (our bodily image and control of it, etc.) WHY do we have to lose our brains as well?? Then it dawned on me. We may only have one child if we remembered it all with perfect detail. It isn't until we feel the first contraction the second baby that we truly realise what we have gotten ourselves into..... and we know what we have to do to get that baby out.

Classic toddler shot of Ezzy :)

Now I can see that lacto-brain is necessary, and we don't forget everything. Jules will be 8 weeks old tomorrow and I'm already hazy on the birth details. I remember the joy I felt as we found out she was a girl. Her first cries as she breathed her first gulps of air. The emotion we felt as we decided to name her after my Abuela (Grandmother). The smiles and excitement of Esmond as he met her for the first time as he said "baby" over and over again as he stroked her head. The soft gulps of satisfaction as she nurses and how she sighs when she sleeps (although she's noisy, it's adorable). Ezzy is becoming such a little cutie. He will copy everything I say and has the most adorable voice. When I'm frustrated with him, he looks up at me with a little twinkle in his eye and a goofy smile and I almost always have to choke back a giggle. These are the moments I hope to never forget. Although I find it frustrating to try and remember day to day things, it's the sweet, life changing moments that make everything worthwhile. So I guess, I can say to everyone of you, that I love you and "you've got a friend in me." No judgements here. Let's just love one another for the goodness in our hearts and not the blunders in life that we miraculously get through.

Love Bex